My First Memory

(Music I’m listening to while writing this)

It’s funny, I was reading a book about writing today and one assignment was to write for two hours about your early memories. My first memory is a crazy one.

I have a friend who tells me his first memory was while he was still in the womb. That’s crazy huh? Mine is as well.

How can I even put this into words… Here it is:

I woke up in a prison cell. It was absolute pitch black. At first I didn’t know where I was and my eyes groped for anything to see at all. I walked across the cell and made contact with the iron prison bars.

I panicked, still trying desperately to see anything at all in the pitch black.

I screamed. And then, a pin prick of light appeared in the “sky” off to my upper left. The light grew larger and rushed to me and…

Well, that’s it. That’s my first memory.

I remember being like 9 or 10 years old reflecting on that memory trying to make sense of it. At the time the only thought accompanying it was that I knew that this memory reflected an adult consciousness.

Imagine being a young child dealing with something like this? I mean many of us have reoccuring nightmeres and what not, but this was different.

I think we as human beings are extraordinary though we are trying our best to deny this. I was thinking about how so many adult males are stereotyped as a beer drinking football fan who thinks an inordinate amount of time about sex. What a dumbed down version of the powerful awesome being you truly are as a son of the living God. True, many are still denying and refusing their birthright, but their inclusion in the finished work of Yehoshua Ha’Meshiach  (Jesus Christ) hasn’t changed.

Did I somehow see my future as an adult? I’ll explain why I say that.

Well, another childhood memory was how one day I was walking up the street on Tamarack Lane where I lived (Here is a view from google maps) and I asked God what it felt like to be “lost”.

For the briefest of moments I didn’t feel his Presence. Instead I felt an indescribable hopelessness and horror.

Fast forward to the day in November of 1999 I fell into the abyss of despair and I felt that hopelessness and despair for exactly seven of the longest years of my life.

“For a brief moment I abandoned you,
but with great compassion I will take you back.
In a burst of anger I turned my face away for a little while.
But with everlasting love I will have compassion on you,”
says the LORD, your Redeemer.” Isaiah 54:7-8

Yes, those seven years indeed were a brief moment compared to all the glorious future before me. And while, for all practical purposes, I learned to cope like all lost people somehow do, during those years, I’m telling you, my heart was locked in that dark prison in hell. I was, for all I knew, forever lost.

Did God actually abandon me? No. Of course not! He was sitting next to me in that closet as I wept with his arm around me. He promises never to leave us or forsake us.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Duet. 31:6

To think that God abandons his child is VERY bad theology because of what Jesus has promised. I was only experiencing a serious lack of belief. I wasn’t seeing him. I wasn’t feeling him. Because I had given in to fear. I had what the Bible called an evil heart of unbelief. I was separated only in my mind.

freedom-prisoners-graphicBUT, I believe that it was my “first memory” that gave me a clue that there was indeed a light at the end of this tunnel. It was part of what gave me the strength to go on and to hope that there could be some freedom. I remember clearly in November of 2006 – exactly seven trips around the sun – when the spark of light came back into my heart. It took another seven years before my heart healed from the trauma of my hellish experience. It’s now been ten years free from my prison.

This is why I don’t play the religious hypocrisy  games anymore. If it isn’t real, it isn’t for me. I would gladly abandon my reputation (as I have proven in the past) for something real and free and truly God.

Our band name is called “Reflect” after a Scripture the Lord gave us:

“But whenever someone turns to the Lord, the veil (that darkens our understanding of God) is taken away. For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord—who is the Spirit—makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image.” 2 Corinthians 3:16-18

“Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.”

Freedom from despair. Freedom from hopelessness. Freedom from depression. Freedom from your prison. Freedom from hell.

Cry out to Jesus. At just the right time he will deliver you too. You have no other Savior. No other option.

I can tell you that God has been true to his Word. God has never allowed the enemy to have me again and I now trust and rest in his love and care and grace for me. There were times I knew it would only take a single breath to send me hurtling over the cliff of despair once again, yet he did not allow that breath to come. Yes at times I have wrestled with some pretty heinous demons who came to reclaim me but he has equipped me with what I needed to resist and overcome.

I now live a heaven on earth lifestyle and enjoy God’s constant presence. I have courage with God now. I’m fully open and trusting once again. Fully surrendered and it is great. Tonight I was praying that I would come fully into what it is and means to have Jesus for a friend. I prayed he would immerse me into some of his holy fire. That he would pour some new wine into this new wineskin. I pray to experience more of Yehoshua.

Well, I’m going to bed now and going to pray for a dream from God and perhaps a visitation to heaven (though Scripture tells me I already live there).

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